UnElection Interviews

After three grueling weeks of intense campaigning, intenser debates, and even more intense Reddit feeds, the UnElection has finally come to a close. Though only one party prevailed, both candidates will live on forever in the photographs we’ve assured them can never be deleted from our website. The UnElection finally gave students the opportunity to make their voices heard, and now we aim to let the candidates speak for themselves. AMP got up close and personal with Zach Boullt of A Modest Platform and Morganne Blaylock of S.E.A. Party to discover their hopes, dreams, and questionable motivation throughout the election.

Zach Boullt: A Modest Platform

Why did you choose to run in the UnElection?

It was not choice that motivated me to run, but duty. Duty strode into my dorm, held a concealed firearm to my head, and made me sign a blood oath that I would put my name in the UnElection pool. Of course, duty must have selected me for a reason. The powers that be of UTD seek to placate Student Government by giving them just enough power to feel as if they’re making substantive change without ever reaching that point. But I cannot be satiated. I cannot be satisfied. Only I have the right mix of stubbornness, charm, wit, and lack of foresight to strongarm and shout my way through any disagreement or roadblock. Whether it be through my supposedly extreme platform initiatives or my tendency toward unchecked, unilateral authority, it’s evident to anyone with a brain that I would be a leader this school would never want to forget.

Why did your ticket only include a presidential candidate, and no senators?

Student Government is a symbol meant to show the student body that their voice matters and that someone capable is in charge, transforming these ideas and wishes into reality. Whether or not that actually happens is less important. As long as the student body can feel that someone powerful is working for their benefit, then Student Government is doing its job. In addition, having other people in my party, or even on Student Government in general, risks that someone might disagree with me and even could amass enough people to vote against my plans. That would uproot the entire point of me being, y’know, president. Through the injection of DNA harvested from student hair and dead skin cells found around campus into my bloodstream, I fully embody the great majority if not the entirety of the student body. As such, having any representative other than me would be redundant and unnecessary.

What is the biggest issue facing UTD today?

UTD faces a crisis of identity. Whether that crisis is more akin to a teenage girl trying to decide between her popular friends or her nerdy friends or to a 40-year-old man dying his hair and buying a motorcycle is difficult to say. It’s probably a mixture of both. But as UTD’s unchecked growth continues to be unparalleled, UTD needs to accept its 9:00-5:00 workday, STEM-degree factory destiny or risk further allocation of funding to academic disciplines that, it pains to me to say it, don’t bring the university more research dollars, grants, and patents. Choose the nerdy friends, UTD. Buy that motorcycle. If any so-called students don’t agree 100% with your future trajectory, then you need to cut them out of your life. They’re only dragging you down. They should have known what they were signing up for. You treat them so well, yet they have the nerve, the nerve, to act like you aren’t paying attention to them and are too focused on vanity and self-image. Well, it’s time for UTD to move on.

What is the biggest issue facing UTD tomorrow?

Well, according to my cultist pastor’s prophecy, an asteroid is supposed to strike the state of Texas tomorrow, so the university should probably do something about that. But I don’t like this question. Look, I live in the present. Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Asking me about tomorrow requires me to use foresight, planning, and intuition that I never claimed to have. I focus on the now, baby. UTD should do the same. My pet monkey advisor told me that the university has a strategic plan stretching as far as 2050. That’s ridiculous. I would say that the university should just use its horoscope to make decisions everyday, but UTD is a Gemini, so that would just make things worse. But I guess if I had to pick one issue, it’d be the continued encroachment of other public universities in Texas on UTD’s domain. It’s not enough for UTD to be the best public university in Texas. It needs to be the only public university in Texas. We should be so great that attending another school in Texas should be unthinkable. We should be fortifying our defenses and coming up with an attack strategy now to solidify our university’s place as the up-and-coming flagship that it is. Once we’re Tier One, the rest of Texas is Tier Done.

Morganne Blaylock: S.E.A. Party

Why did you choose to run in the UnElection?

Because I’m UnElectable. A notion as radical as acknowledging the existence of majors that don’t have Calculus as a prerequisite stands no chance in a real election on this campus. So what better way to UnDermine the STEM hegemony of UTD than to be UnElected Student Government President? I’ve always felt like I had a hidden talent that I wasn’t utilizing, and now I’m happy to say that it is getting UnElected. Entering this race I felt like I was fulfilling the much needed role of the radical martyr, beloved by her supporters but rejected by the establishment, yet lo and behold, like Donald Trump, I’m the greatest.

What is the biggest issue facing UTD today?

The SEA Party platform addresses a wide range of issues because my fellow Comets are demanding solutions to lots of very different yet very important problems. However, I feel that of all of changes I have pledged to make, from increasing the number of gun shows and horse races to decreasing the number of rooms in which engineers can congregate, by far the one that will have the greatest impact on the most students is the development of a mobile app to track Chick-fil-a orders. It truly is a failure of UTD Dining Services, Student Government, and the entire fried chicken industry that students never know when Chick-fil-a employees are going to call their name. Too many times to count I’ve seen students huddled by the Chick-fil-a counter, paralyzed by indecision, unsure whether they have enough time to go fill their drinks before their order will be ready. It’s time we brought order to the black hole of chaos that is Chick-fil-a.

What is the biggest issue facing UTD tomorrow?

Well considering tomorrow hasn’t happened yet, I’m not sure what the biggest issue will be. However, I anticipate that the biggest issue we will face will be not enough praise of Student Government, i.e. me, after we make Chick-fil-a orders trackable. I can easily imagine a tomorrow in which everyone is overjoyed with newly instituted chicken transparency, but nobody knows I was responsible. Student participation in Student Government is so pathetic that we need a full-blown public awareness campaign to make sure that everyone knows to shower me with praise. It’s going to be really challenging. We’re going to need megaphones and fireworks, all of it.

What is your biggest regret about the election?

I have to say I thought that at the end of this I would be able to operate the crane that would smash the first wrecking ball into ECS. As you might have noticed, that didn’t happen. In hindsight I should have organized a massive rally and just done it on my own. Other than that, I wish I had called out Zach a lot more. His whole campaign was completely impractical, and he doesn’t appear to know how ties work.