Rad Fibs

(Read for Hilary Clinton) (Read for Donald Trump)
Congratulations America! Somehow you’ve managed to elect this country’s first female president. But regardless of how surprisingly open-minded you reveal yourself to be in this election, the next President of the United States is still bad with secrets, so don’t be too quick to pat yourself on the back. If we’re honest, this election outcome probably isn’t going to matter much; the president won’t get anything done in the face of opposition from most congressional Republicans. In fact, no matter who was on the Democratic ticket, they would have been viciously opposed by the crazy tree-huggers. But if you’re going to engage in a meaningless gesture of participation, you should at least save yourself from the indignity of a farcical circus. Where was Joe Biden when we needed him most? Congratulations America! Somehow you’ve managed to elect this country’s least qualified president. But regardless of how secretly prejudiced you reveal yourself to be in this election, the next President of the United States is still a reality TV star, so don’t be too quick to pat yourself on the back. If we’re honest, this election outcome probably isn’t going to matter much; the president won’t get anything done in the face of opposition from most congressional Republicans. In fact, no matter who was on the Republican ticket, they would have been viciously opposed by the crazy gun-lovers. But if you’re going to engage in a meaningless gesture of participation, you should at least save yourself from the indignity of a farcical circus. Where was Paul Ryan when we needed him most?
In the absence of an opportunity to overcome partisan gridlock, perhaps the only significant impact of this election outcome will be in national image. Under our new president’s leadership we can expect to invade new countries, send more jobs to our enemies, and lose the respect of the victims of our nation-building. The foreign policy of this next administration will misguidedly enforce America’s global leadership. If the president-elect’s experience enabling the murder of an American ambassador is any indication, the next four years could be very embarrassing. In the absence of an opportunity to understand the Constitution, perhaps the only significant impact of this election outcome will be in national image. Under our new president’s leadership we can expect to be invaded by new countries, send more nukes to our enemies, and lose the respect of all of our allies. The foreign policy of this next administration will drastically erode America’s global leadership. If the president-elect’s experience outsourcing jobs) is any indication, the next four years could be very embarrassing.
On domestic policy, things could be even worse. Even if you spent the entire election ignoring private servers and pay-to-play, and supported the president purely on policy, you’ve hardly done a great job for our country. If we were in the business of electing people on the merit of their policy, we would have picked Martin O’Malley. Instead, your president-elect has no respect for fiscal responsibility, thinks a $15 an hour minimum wage is practical policy, and believes gun manufacturers are responsible for gun deaths. You had better cross your fingers and hope that by the end of this presidency we aren’t living under a bankrupt socialist welfare state. On domestic policy, things could be even worse. Even if you spent the entire election ignoring sexual assault and open racism, and supported the president purely on policy, you’ve hardly done a great job for our country. If we were in the business of electing people on the merit of their policy, we would have picked John Kasich. Instead, your president-elect has no respect for civil liberties, thinks a border wall is practical policy, and believes China invented global warming. You had better cross your fingers and hope that by the end of this presidency we aren’t living under an authoritarian dictatorship to be assumed by Donald Trump, Jr.
In short, I hope you’re happy that your president thinks you’re deplorable. You have nobody to blame for this but the voting public. Through the mass apathy of decent and sensible people, the president managed to win the primaries against far more likable opponents. So every time in the next four years that you’re angered by your government's corruption, go ahead and yell at your neighbors; it’s probably their fault. In short, I hope you’re happy that your president thinks you’re white and racist. You have nobody to blame for this but the voting public. Through the mass apathy of decent and sensible people, the president managed to win the primaries against far more reasonable opponents. So every time in the next four years that you’re angered by your government's incompetence, go ahead and yell at your neighbors; it’s probably their fault.