(March 21 – April 19)
(April 20 – May 20)
Ruthless Raymond replaces all the light bulbs in your house with lemons. He denies it.
(May 21 – June 20)
Quarrelsome Quinn tells grandma that you were the one who pushed her down the stairs. She believes him.
(June 21 – July 22)
Deceitful Dmitri sells your prosthetic leg online. Every year.
(July 23 – August 22)
Gluttonous Gunther locks you in a meat freezer on Christmas eve. It is not the first time.
(August 23 – September 22)
Vengeful Vernon steals your invention and patents it under the name of your rival, the Ice Cream Man.
(September 23 – October 22)
Malevolent Marvin releases the vipers in the house and does not wake you from your nap.
(October 23 – November 21)
Foolish Felix gives your bank account number and PIN to the nice man on the telephone.
(November 22 – December 21)
Irate Ivan introduces you to the mayor, and mispronounces your name.
(December 22 – January 19)
Hateful Hector leaves anchovies in your car in the dead of the night. The stench seeps into your vinyl seats and never goes away.
(January 20 – February 18)
Wretched Rufus pours a vat of acid on your late mother’s hand-sewn tapestry. The holes in the fabric are no match for the holes in his heart.
(February 19 – March 20)
Compulsive Clyde eats all the canned beans in the post-apocalyptic aftermath of the nuclear war. The family starves. Clyde does not care.