HOROSCOPE: How Your Large Teenage Sons Harass You

♈️ Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Spiteful Sampson burns down your family restaurant after a small disagreement on who has the smoothest chin in the room.

♉️ Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Ruthless Raymond replaces all the light bulbs in your house with lemons. He denies it.

♊️ Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Quarrelsome Quinn tells grandma that you were the one who pushed her down the stairs. She believes him.

♋️ Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Deceitful Dmitri sells your prosthetic leg online. Every year.

♌️ Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Gluttonous Gunther locks you in a meat freezer on Christmas eve. It is not the first time.

♍️ Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Vengeful Vernon steals your invention and patents it under the name of your rival, the Ice Cream Man.

♎️ Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Malevolent Marvin releases the vipers in the house and does not wake you from your nap.

♏️ Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Foolish Felix gives your bank account number and PIN to the nice man on the telephone.

♐️ Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Irate Ivan introduces you to the mayor, and mispronounces your name.

♑️ Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Hateful Hector leaves anchovies in your car in the dead of the night. The stench seeps into your vinyl seats and never goes away.

♒️ Aquarius

(January 20 – February 18)

Wretched Rufus pours a vat of acid on your late mother’s hand-sewn tapestry. The holes in the fabric are no match for the holes in his heart.

♓️ Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Compulsive Clyde eats all the canned beans in the post-apocalyptic aftermath of the nuclear war. The family starves. Clyde does not care.

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