Santa Claus is coming to town, along with his well-known gifts for the good and coal for the corrupt! AMP knows that Santa is a busy man, so we’ve decided to take the noble duty of lightening his burden. Here are the AMP picks for the naughty and nice lists.
Professors Who Gave You an “A”
These professors did not ruin your GPA, give you exams that were obviously harder than the lecture material, nor attempt to annoyingly push you beyond your limits. They should be rewarded handsomely.
Daniel Radcliffe’s Farting Boner Corpse
All of human history culminated in the creation of Swiss Army Man, and the world is better for it.
U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team
These lovely ladies took home the gold and captivated the nation with their physics-defying stunts, reminding us that no matter how hard we try, we will never, ever be that good at anything.
Though Beyoncé pushed forward discussion and education on issues of police brutality, race, and gender this year, she should really be awarded for giving us a new soundtrack to murder our cheating exes to. Lemonade is only the second greatest lemonade-themed musical piece ever released (the first being “Lemonade. *clap clap clap* Crunchy ice. *clap clap clap* Sip it once. *clap clap clap* Sip it twice. *clap clap clap*).
2016 was a great year for memes. From Dat Boi to Daniel’s white Vans to Harambe, they may have all been done to death, but they brought us temporary distraction in an otherwise painful year.
Ever since March, Garland has been stuck in the Limbo dimension to which all Supreme Court nominees go until their hearings are held. Left floating in the void, fumbling for meaning, purpose, entertainment, and joy, Garland deserves a little gift to reward his patience.
Who cares if he’s dead? The man knew his time was short but still gave us the parting gift of Blackstar. Santa can find whatever star he’s living in now and give him the gift he deserves.
Comet Cab Drivers
They were there when you needed them. They saved you from the embarrassment of being late. They protected your legs from the strain of walking those extra yards to class. These noble Golf Cart Gods gave precious minutes back to your life that would have been wasted walking.
That Cute Boy/Girl That Handed You Your Pencil When You Dropped It
Such small acts of kindness should be rewarded generously. Especially theirs. Their eyes were so dreamy… Maybe Santa can include a special note from you with his gifts.
Baby Dory from Finding Dory
So cute. Like, ridiculously cute. God. All the presents.
UTD Chapter of Chi Phi
Chi Phi’s reputation on campus has Gone to Hell™ with a three-year hazing suspension. This should be just enough time for the chapter to (wall) sit in time out and really think about what they’ve done.
Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice just wasn’t good, guys. Trust me, I know. I didn’t actually see it, but I read a lot of reviews. Also, the name is long and stupid.
Lochte’s lies in Rio caused international embarrassment for the entire nation. Thankfully, we’ve all learned our lesson, and Americans have pledged to never do stupid things while drunk in foreign countries ever again.
Life of Pablo’s artistic and commercial success was one of the highlights of the thriving 2016 music scene. Though I had great fun listening to the album and attending his Dallas show, he cancelled the show that was going to be my little brother’s birthday present. His health concerns aside, I’m still bitter.
That Asshole That Took Your Seat in Class
That was your seat. That was your seat. You’ve sat in that seat every day since syllabus week. Your entire mojo was thrown off. How could you be expected to learn when your entire place in the world, the one place you felt secure, has been taken over by someone that hardly ever shows up to class? Thank goodness for Santa and his sweet holiday justice.
We assume Santa already has this one marked down, but recently some of the media and the public have forgotten that Nazis are bad, so we just wanted to make sure that Santa doesn’t make the same mistake.
The Chicago Cubs
By finally winning the World Series, the Cubs have fulfilled the first requirement for the Apocalypse as outlined in the Book of Revelations. Such an exciting victory for the city of Chicago will be worth little once the sky rains flaming skulls and the oceans rise a tiny bit faster than they otherwise will from global warming alone.
Comet Cab Drivers
They were never there when you needed them. Your memory is tainted with the vision of their cart in the distance as you walked in late for class. They left your legs sore from the excruciating extra walking distance. These dastardly Demonic Drivers stole time from your life that you will never get back.
The People Above You on the Class Waitlist
C’mon. They must’ve done something bad; nobody’s perfect. Of course, they shouldn’t be denied their Christmas presents. Maybe a better punishment for Santa to deliver would be to take them off the waitlist. Moving you up on the list has nothing to do with it.
~46.7% of American Voters
Donald Trump has promised to revive the coal industry as part of his presidency. This bodes quite well for the stockings of his voters.