7 Reasons You’re An Irredeemable Failure (Academically, Of Course, but Also As a Person)

You’ve been trudging through this semester surprisingly successfully – or so you thought. While you’ve been treating yourself left and right for scoring decently enough on your midterms and making it through networking events without dying, you’ve also been letting tons of minor things slip through the cracks. They’ve been snowballing frighteningly while your back was turned, but now it’s time to face the facts. Here’s why your worst nightmares have already started coming true:


  1. You’re doing too much. Two majors and a minor means 18-hour semesters for as far as the eye can see. As if that wasn’t enough of a living hell on its own, you still have to keep up with all of your extracurriculars and their antics; you’re an executive for four different clubs while volunteering at Children’s on the weekends and working part-time on campus. You thought all of your work was going to pay off someday, but it turns out that the companies you’ve been eyeing all want to hire laser-focused individuals. Apparently, your multiple “talents” – the ones you were so proud of – indicate an inability to make decisions and function well in a highly specialized corporate world. Congratulations, you’re never getting hired.
  2. You’re not doing enough. Everybody – yes, literally everybody – else around you has their life together. Their GPAs are higher than yours, and while they’re maintaining them, they’re also collecting more valuable skills and doing more impressive things with their time than you are. They know exactly what they’re going to do with their lives; in fact, they’re already halfway there, building incredible projects and doing cutting edge research you can’t even comprehend. Meanwhile, your majors are useless and your volunteering means less than nothing; you weren’t really doing anything more significant than filing paperwork, and every one of your would-be employers knows that. Your academic failures could have been at least somewhat offset if your personality had been even remotely redeeming. Unfortunately, even a Doctor Who-obsessed middle schooler can make better conversation than you can. Just quit while you’re behind.
  3. You let one too many midnight deadlines pass by. I know you thought you’d remembered every assignment – you’d even made a checklist of everything that was due this week. But while you finished your online stats work and submitted that project proposal for compsci ahead of time, you sent in your weekly discussion questions for humanities just after midnight. Guess what? Your professor has an ironclad no-late-work policy, and she’s just picked that assignment to be worth half your final grade. You desperately wish you hadn’t taken that five-minute break to check Twitter earlier, but your seemingly insignificant dalliance on social media has already done its damage to your grade.
  4. Your habits are terrible. You chew your nails. You pick at your split ends. You click your pens repeatedly. You tap on things while concentrating. Little did you know, people around you are keeping track of every annoying and unprofessional action of yours. The girl sitting next to you in biochem works part time in that lab you’ve been dying to get into, and she keeps track of all incoming applications. You were a strong (okay, passable) contender, but she was so disgusted by your too-loud breathing that your personal statement – and your hopes and dreams – went straight into the trash.
  5. You spend too much time on social media. Those baby boomer thinkpiece generators were right after all – every additional minute you’ve been spending on Tumblr and Instagram between classes has been rotting your brain at an exponential rate. Your missing memories and increased irritability – or that time you woke up in the middle of the West Texas desert with no clue how you got there – should’ve tipped you off earlier, really. Sadly, the symptoms seem pretty irreversible at this point, so there’s no point in searching for a cure. Soon, you’ll be wandering the wilderness as a husk of yourself – driven only by the overwhelming need for better selfie lighting.
  6. You rely too much on luck. Ever since your kitschy, neon-dyed rabbit’s foot broke, you’ve been scrambling for a replacement. None of the various amulets and charms you’ve been collecting and/or pickpocketing have worked quite the same for you; sure, you feel luckier going into your exams, but the eons-old eldritch horror who usually feeds you answers has yet to reappear. You’ve tried going back to the souvenir shop where you first found the talisman, but all that remains at the spot is a broken-down shack the locals swear hasn’t been occupied in over half a century. On top of everything, you skipped an anatomy test for your road trip, and now the professor won’t let you make it up. Typical.
  7. The family curse, actually. One of your ancestors offended an ancient chaos spirit centuries ago, and the curse it cast upon your family has been their silent burden to bear for generations. Fortunately, it’s getting bored of torturing you, so you’ve avoided some of the more horrifically scarring “pranks” your forebearers enjoyed. Unfortunately, you’re still unemployable. I’d wish you luck, but I heard curses can be contagious sometimes, and you’re not even close to redeemable enough to risk it.

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