How to Declare Your Love For Your Online Crush Whom You’ve Never Met

You live in Dallas. He lives in Australia. It doesn’t matter because love knows no distance. Destiny, chance, and a Twitter algorithm brought you together. Now you’re about to embark on the most important endeavor of your online correspondence thus far. Normally, these things happen organically and don’t require extensive planning. However, because the circumstances of your association are less conventional than most, you have to invest in some careful preparation to pull this off. Not to worry, for I have compiled a list of steps to guarantee the most favorable outcome when you do finally say the words.

First, you need to find out his real name. While @aussiegrunge2000 has been enough to capture your heart so far, eventually you have to learn his legal name so you can figure out the measurements for your collarbone tattoo. Also, telling him that you’re soulmates might be more convincing if you didn’t refer to him using his Twitter handle.

Your next step is to calculate the cost of a round trip to Melbourne. Sadly, you cannot declare the depth of your feelings online. You have to invest in seeing him in person. For extra pizzazz, don’t tell him you’re going to be visiting. Instead, hire a renowned private investigator to track down his home address and all other relevant details about his life. Everyone loves being surprised. Be sure to figure out how many shifts at Wendy’s you have to put in to earn enough money for the ticket. It’ll be a nice little fun fact during your wedding toast.

Obsessively plan an itinerary to be followed during your visit. This is the only way you can pinpoint the exact perfect moment to propo — declare your feelings. In the meantime, you can take him out to do pleasant date-like activities like bowling, feeding ducks, and playing rigged carnival games in exchange for stuffed animals while he works out his internal confusion over why you are here.

Come up with a thoughtful, personal gift for your first meeting. Nothing makes a first impression quite like receiving a heart-shaped craft made entirely of pictures of one’s own face. In order to obtain these pictures of his face, you will need to find his Facebook account and print out all of his profile pictures dating back to 2007.

Set your “@aussiegrunge2000 (soon to be replaced with his real name) and my wedding board” on Pinterest to public. Do this because commitment is a state of mind, and the best place to start is by showing the entire world how many months of effort you put into planning your nuptials.

Orchestrate a meet cute — something that sounds easier said than done. But do not despair. Upon receiving your online crush’s daily itinerary from your hired private investigator, you need to memorize each stop he makes going about his day. Then, all you need to do is hire a theatrical troupe upon landing in Australia. Each one of them will play a part in manipulating every step of your beloved’s path until he runs into you at a pet shop while you are lovingly petting kittens. Take that for a meet cute, Hollywood!

A few days later, when you have lulled him into a sense of safety (because he thinks your meeting was a happy coincidence), your itinerary should have you plan a nice picnic at the park. This day is specifically designated so you can lie back on the picnic blanket, stare up at the promisingly clear blue sky, and name your future children. Don’t forget to act surprised when he tells you he would like to name one of the children Bertram, after his favorite maternal uncle. He isn’t supposed to know that you have his family tree marked and sticky-noted for emergencies.

Don’t forget to present him with an innocuous token of your fondness for him, like a t-shirt with your face ironed on the back of it. It’s suggested that you don’t let him see that your face is on the shirt. I find the results to be most promising if you wait until he’s asleep, put the t-shirt on him, and then feign obliviousness when he asks how he got into it. Be sure that the shirt is soft and comfortable so that he doesn’t try to remove it immediately upon waking.

Friend his mom on Facebook. It’s important to maintain good relations with his family as you’re inevitably going to be his future.

During your visit, obtain a lock of his hair to sew into the sweater you will be wearing while you confess your love for him. This way, when he is (understandably) confused about your sudden declaration, you can gesture to his hair in your sweater as a testament to the validity of your feelings.

Screenshot all your twitter interactions together and print them out to make a scrapbook. This includes every like, fave, mention, retweet, and when he retweets stuff that you retweet. It’s all a glaring testament to your compatible psyche and uncompromising devotion.

Gift him with a self-published edition of of your dream diary containing entries regarding dreams only about him (all of them). This will convince him that the only thing that occupies your thoughts daily is him.

Have the private investigator you hired find you his tax file number so you can look up his tax records. Then, find out which charities he donates to, and make a generous donation yourself. Present the certificates of donation when you make your big announcement of love to assure him you’re a good person.

Last, but not least, try the shoulder-to-cry-on method. Buy him a dying dog. Do not tell him the dog is dying. Then, let him get emotionally attached to the dog over a short period of time. Let nature take its course, and be his shoulder to cry on. When he’s most vulnerable and within your emotional clutches, he will be most receptive to your proclamation of love.
And that, my enamored friend, is how you declare your love for your online crush whom you’ve never met.