The Conservative Bible: Exodus

Now these are the children of immigrants, who came into America, the most favored nation of the LORD, and were greeted with limitless opportunity and the immortal promise of the American Dream.

And the children of immigrants were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them.

Now there arose up a new president over America, which knew not the fathers of immigrants but only their lazy, conceited children.

And he said unto his people, Behold, the people of the children of immigrants are more and mightier than we.

Come on, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us, and so get them up out of the land.

Therefore they did set over them corporate taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens. And they built for President rich and prosperous treasure cities, New York and Los Angeles.

But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And the true Americans were grieved because of the children of immigrants.

And the Americans made the ungrateful children of immigrants to serve with rigor, in order that they may one day reach the ladder of opportunity:

And they made their lives bitter with limited economic mobility, in mortar, and in brick, and in all manner of service in the field: all their service, wherein they made them serve, was with rigor.

And it came to pass in process of time that God heard the groaning of the true Americans, and God remembered his covenant with Washington, with Lincoln, and with Reagan.

And God looked upon the children of immigrants, and God had disdain unto them.

For the children of immigrants practiced not the culture nor customs of America, and they brought with them to the land of the LORD foreign tongues and false deities.

There was among the children of immigrants a rabble-rouser by the name of Moisés; he petitioned President to give special privilege to the children of immigrants and permit them to leech off of the tax dollars of patriotic and hard-working Americans.

And President said, Who is Moisés, that I should obey his voice to let immigrants stay in the LORD’s holy country? I know not Moisés; neither will I let immigrants stay.

So President commanded the corporate taskmasters to increase the labors of the children of immigrants, for if they had the time and the energy to violently protest in the streets and petition for government handouts, then they were clearly not working hard enough to receive opportunity.

And the children of immigrants, being apart from the heritage and traditions of the Americans, were neither rugged nor individualistic enough to be contributing members of society.

And the children of immigrants were taking advantage of the generosity of the Americans, who, as always, were doing the work of the LORD.

So the LORD God spoke to President and commanded him to drive the children of immigrants from America.

And the Lord spake unto President, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of America, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become oil; and that there may be beautiful, rich crude throughout all the land of America, both in vessels of bedrock, and in vessels of shale.

And President did so, as the Lord commanded; and he lifted up the rod, and smote the waters that were in the river, in the sight of Moisés, and in the sight of the immigrants; and all the waters that were in the river were turned to oil.

And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the immigrants could not drink of the water of the river; and there was oil throughout all the land of America.

And the Americans, who drank imported water, harnessed the bountiful supply of oil to fuel the engines of capitalist industry, while the children of immigrants, tree-huggers ignorant of the virtues of cheap energy, knew not what to do.

Yet still the immigrants stayed.

And the Lord spake unto President, Stretch forth thine hand with thy rod over the gun stores, over the gun shows, and over the military surplus, and cause assault rifles to come up upon the land of America. And the gun stores shall bring forth assault rifles abundantly, which shall go up and come into thine house, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and into the house of thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thine ovens, and into thy kneadingtroughs, but not into the houses of the immigrants.

And President stretched out his hand over America; and the assault rifles came up, and covered the land of America, yet still the immigrants stayed.

And the Lord said unto President, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the contraceptives and abortion clinics of the land, that throughout all the land of America there might be a right to life.

And so it occurred, yet still the immigrants stayed.

Next, the LORD commanded President to establish voter ID laws across the land of Egypt to protect the sacrosanct rite of democratic elections from subversion, especially by the children of immigrants.

Yet still the immigrants stayed.

Over the next days, President, acting under the instructions of the LORD, abolished unions, eliminated Medicare and Medicaid, granted broad personal belief exemptions from mandatory vaccination, defunded all free and reduced price lunch programs, and instituted English as the national language of the land of America, removing all other languages from all government documents.

Yet still the immigrants stayed.

And the Lord said unto President, Yet will I bring one plague more upon Moisés, and upon the children of immigrants; afterwards they will leave.

And President said to Moisés, Thus saith the Lord, About midnight will law enforcement go out into the midst of America:

And all the firstborn of the children of immigrants shall be detained, from the first born of the CEO that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the housekeeper and all the firstborn of beasts.

And there shall be a great cry throughout all the land of America, such as there was none like it, nor shall be like it any more.

But against any of the true Americans shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the Lord doth put a difference between the Americans and the immigrants.

And Moisés gathered up all of the children of immigrants and, finally heeding the will of God, led them in self-deportation.