Uranus Monthly Digest

Temoc Sues Music Venue The Bomb Factory Over Use of His Image

Temoc has formally filed a lawsuit against the band Ween and venue The Bomb Factory over the use of his resemblance on a promotional ad for Ween’s Halloween show in Dallas. Temoc claims the image is an unmistakably gross representation of his likeness which could confuse UTD students into believing that he enjoys acupuncture when he, in fact, does not. The conditions of Temoc’s lawsuit demand that the promotional image be immediately taken down, or, if that isn’t possible, that Temoc is allowed to perform backing vocals during Ween’s performance of “Ocean Man.”  Temoc has privately confided in me (and I am now publishing it) that he took offense to the image being a mockery of his makeover, implying that both of them are terrifying.

University Village Shuts Down Apartment CometNet After Harvesting Late-Night Browsing Data

Sources revealed this week that University Village was using the extended apartment CometNet network to track students’ browsing data, in order to personalize the housing conglomerate’s advertising and coupon services. In a partnership with local businesses, starting this month, students living on-campus can expect individualized advertisements containing elements of your favorite Netflix shows and reminders from local businesses about where to purchase your Amazon wishlist items within the DFW area. University Village has also announced plans to use the data collected on student porn habits to blackmail students into paying their rent on time.

UTD Commissions Middle Finger Statue in Memory of the Art Barn

The UTD administration has disclosed plans to the student body describing the erection of a 10-foot tall statue of a hand flipping someone off next to the building meant to replace the Art Barn. The statue will serve as a memorial to the controversial student building. The administration stated in their press release the desire to commemorate both the relationship between the Art Barn and student body, and the perception that the UTD powers-that-be will hold forever in their hearts of both the building and the building’s defenders. Famous designer Francis Statuedude, known for his exotic first name, has been commissioned for the project.  In an exclusive interview with AMP, he described his vision. “I’m working closely with a devoted team of NSERL researchers to ensure that this gigantic flipping of the bird is as scientifically and anatomically correct as humanly possible so as to preserve the perfect blend of the arts and sciences present at this university.” The administration expressed their excitement that the statue will stand as a symbol of student-administration relations for generations to come.

Executive Vice President Dr. Hobsen Wildenthal in the Running to Compete on Dancing With the Stars

After many applications and years of striving to fulfill his dream of being a contestant on the hit TV show, Dr. Wildenthal is in the final rounds to appear on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. The show has introduced a new polling system for the audience to determine who is going to appear in this season’s competition. With other potential contestants including the likes of Eric Trump, Taylor Swift’s reputation, and both of the titular peaks from Twin Peaks, Dr. Wildenthal will have to campaign hard to get the votes of the nation. However, with the large, consistent, reliable, and frequently participatory student body of UTD, his victory should be as easy as a dance major’s degree plan.

In Preparation for Season 2 of Stranger Things, Buzzkill UTD Physics Student Submits Paper on Why “The Upside Down” Is Not Possible

In a very on-brand moment for the UTD student body, undergraduate nerd Tanya Phillips has submitted a 20-page research project mathematically proving why The Upside Down would never be able to exist in our version of reality. When asked why she devoted her class research project to taking the fun out of a science fiction television show, Tanya responded, “The University of Texas at Dallas is a campus that cares about the truth. We are a Tier One university dedicated to scientific advancement and excellence. Our student body deserves to know that despite the popular fanfare of this cultural phenomenon, a dimension such as the Upside Down would never exist in our current reality.” Duh, Tanya. Thanks for the help.

Students Sure Have Some Stuff to Say About Construction, Parking, and On-Campus Dining!

Wow! You better believe it, Comets. Students have definitely been saying some things about these campus issues alright. It’s crazy! Whether through jokes or serious criticisms, students sure seem to be aware that these two on-campus issues exist! Statistics show it’s likely you have said something about one or both of these issues! Who would’ve thought?!

AMP Voted Most Popular, Attractive, and Essential On-Campus Organization

In a poll that you definitely remember voting in (c’mon, don’t you remember voting for us?), AMP has won a landslide victory in a poll for everyone’s favorite student organization. Whether it be through swaying the entire student body each month to agreeing on the Ed Desk problem, convincing a campus figure to change their ways through a clever satirical “burn,” or continually reminding students why print media is so essential to a thriving campus body, AMP demonstrated itself as the clear victor. Thank you all for voting for us in the poll. And, uhh, don’t look for these poll results or anything. We reported them so you don’t have to!