Dear Bestest Company Ever Amazon,
Let’s cut to the chase. This is not an application. This is not a petition. This is more than mere supplication. All of our cards are on the table. We are literally on our knees begging you to host HQ2 at our university. Of course, we do not castrate ourselves in the face of your glory without bearing gifts, incentives, and our very souls to you. We are confident that, once you read just a few of the millions of reasons you should build HQ2 on our university grounds, you will graciously choose us as your host, pending your infallible Wisdom™.
First of all, our student body is absolutely primed (Get it? See, we know all about your company processes) for a corporation such as yours right next door. The UTD student body is composed of 90% STEM and management program students. We can guarantee that these students are not only technically trained to the utmost levels of proficiency, but they also have spent every night dreaming of specifically working for Amazon and are not just jumping at the chance for any way of securing financial gain. In fact, a recent survey of these students based on interviews as to why they chose their major show that absolutely none of them care whatsoever about money but are actually concerned with helping people, maximizing their talents, and making the world a better place. And these UTD students know that Amazon is the place to make that happen. After all, UTD STEM and management students are morally trained to see how their work at Amazon would further these goals. With a single required ethics course for ECS students, an optional ethics elective for business majors, and no ethics requirement for the hard sciences, UTD students have already sorted through the criticisms of Amazon concerning its monopolistic control over the retail industry, eradication of jobs and physical retailers, displacement of communities, sketchy wages in comparison to competitors, labor conditions in its warehouses, rampant use of outsource contracting for delivery to cut benefits costs, effects on inflation and the U.S. economy, and the unknown consequences of its continued growth. Thankfully, our STEM and business students understand that even if these concerns had any sort of validity to them, they would pale in the face of Amazon’s transformative properties and its visions of perceived world optimization, which populate these students’ wet dreams.
We cannot forget our other 10% of students, however, in the arts, humanities, and social sciences. They, of course, would both benefit you and be benefitted by your presence on campus. Our art students could design anything you wish, use your sponsorship and retail control to give you first access to their content, and be continually inspired by your radiant presence on our campus to create Amazon-related art. Our humanities students could advise you on your placement in historical and social trends and hierarchies so that Amazon employees and officers can better understand Amazon’s great positive presence in the world. These students would benefit from a wonderful case study of an ethically sound major corporation in the meantime. Social science students could easily study Amazon and write tons of think pieces regarding its economic and political ramifications — though, obviously, these pieces would be filled with glowing praise, as our social science students would be trained to understand Amazon’s splendor. We know that by taking on Amazon as another business partner, we would not be cementing our secret desire to purge our non-STEM and business student body off the face of the university, but rather giving you and them more tools to succeed. Our entire student body is geared for you.
In terms of campus culture, you would fit right in. While UTD has traditionally been a monotheistic campus in its worship of Texas Instruments, we could easily cast monotheism to the wayside while retaining all of our practiced worship tendencies. You wouldn’t believe the number of stuff we’ve named after Texas Instruments and the donors behind Texas Instruments. Really, before we knew of your potential presence in our lovely home, we were content to serve as a talent funnel directly into our current god and business partner. We even considered renaming our school the School of Texas Instruments, or STI, but worried about minimizing the excellence our current name already implies. However, should our prostration in front of your grandeur prove successful, you can name literally whatever you want after Amazon. Bezos Beer Pub? You got it. Amazon Plinth? All yours. Amazon Mall? With as many malls as you’ve forced to close, you deserve it! Hell, we would even rename our school the Amazon Supreme School, or ASS, if you so wished.
Our campus infrastructure is also ripe and ready for your arrival. We’ve got 100 acres of undeveloped land ready for the taking. Honestly, if you don’t take it, a student revolt is probably going to force us to use all of it for parking garages. Additionally, our campus already basically resembles a corporate headquarter campus rather than a traditional college campus anyway, so we would only enhance your brand. You should’ve seen us when Toyota came to visit! We’ve also got bomb shelter tunnels underneath the university should Trump decide to set his sights on you again and get a little senile and trigger-happy or something. UTD may be young, but we were still around for the Cold War. Anyways, the tunnels are all yours should you need them. We know ease of access to public transport is an essential on your wishlist, and you should look no further than DART. We may not have a train line yet, but it’s, uhh, coming. We promise. DART is also, uhh, widely praised among city public transport networks across the country. We promise.
But don’t focus solely on us. Look too to our home, the great state of Texas. Texas is low corporate tax and low regulation, baby! Yeehaw! Texas is really jumping at the gun to have you, and it’s definitely because of its philosophy of business growth and not because you owe it backpay for the high property tax revenue you’ve cost the state in your destruction of retail real estate. Not that that really matters, since property taxes fund social services like education, and Texas would much rather focus on its reputation as a business magnet and job creator than actually have to focus on social funding. Rick Perry may not be in fashion right now, but we’ll definitely co-opt his past rhetoric in stating that Texas is the best possible home for you since it really couldn’t care less about silly stuff like regulation and corporate tax.
At the end of the day, we take your tagline, “Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company,” to heart. No, we don’t see it as a callback to a pre-20th century failure to connect labor concerns and consumer concerns or as a means of pushing away relevant company criticisms by focusing on the ease of shopping and prices that Amazon brings. We see it as a sign that Amazon cares for others. UTD does too. And we care about you, Amazon. We promise we aren’t just piggybacking off of the HQ2 campaign to push our brand further in the news cycle. We want you to be successful, and in turn make us successful. Please come to our campus. Please. We’ll do whatever you want. Anything. Statues. Monuments. The whole shebang. We’ll make you a king. We’ll make you God. You are God. Be our God, Amazon. Please, please make us relevant.
Your Eternal Friends and Humble Servants,
The UTD Administration