ILL-ADVISED with Aunt Mo and Aunt Jo (November)

Aunt Mo and Aunt Jo are not aunts and are in no way actually qualified to answer your questions. However, they have a lot of opinions and want you to follow them. This column aims to satisfy our need to give unsolicited advice.

Got a burning question for them? Ask here.

I’ve been trying to improve my Tinder account and was curious as to what y’all think is the optimum Tinder bio?

—Swiper Please Swipe

Jo: My Tinder bio was “I like food and books and almost nothing else.” I think it really captures who I am as a person.

Mo: Mine were snarky and did not attract the type of person I wanted, but maybe that was because I was on Tinder…

Jo: Yeah, I’m not sure we’re the right people to help you with this. We have not had success in the past.

Mo: We once brought Ill-Advised to Tinder. It was also not successful.

Jo: My advice is to keep it short, slightly funny, and don’t say you want someone to go on adventures with. Also, don’t just list your major. That’s boring.

Mo: Try making a bio exclusively out of emojis.

Jo: Don’t do that.

So when I see cute boys on campus, I wish I had a sly way to talk to them and continue contact so it’s not a one conversation and done kinda deal. How do y’all feel about randomly giving boys business cards?

—Business Woman on the Prowl

Jo: This is my favorite idea of all time. Should we make Ill-Advised business cards that people can personalize???

Mo: Yes. I think you should go further. Add in a resume and at least two letters of rec. Aunt Jo, would you rec me?

Jo: No.

Mo: Well then.

Jo: You know you have a boyfriend, right?

I came across a cute boy a few days ago on the balcony two floors down, so we dangled a note and cookie to him from our apartment, but we haven’t gotten any response. What do you think, and should we make another move?

—Shameless Chick

Mo: Please! Also could you live report on any developments in the form of questions? Thank you!

Jo: I think your next step is sending a five course meal down. Do you have a pulley system? You should get on that.

Mo: Ya know what, one step further: drill a hole in your floor to their ceiling and just drop down leftovers. Boys love food.

Jo: Congrats, you now have a puppy.

Mo: That’s what you wanted, right?

I’m supposed to pick a group for a class project, but know no one in the class. How do I find the smart ones?

—Student Seeking Squad

Mo: Yell the beginning of an equation and listen to see who finishes it.

Jo: Ask if anyone watches Rick and Morty. As we all know, they have to have a much higher IQ to really get all those jokes.

Mo: Like me. Just ask me to be in your group. We will get an A.

Jo: Better idea than sneaking Aunt Mo into your class: listen for the people who speak up and don’t sound dumb. Or the people that make faces and roll their eyes when people do sound dumb.

Mo: Like me. Please just pick me.

Jo: Aunt Mo, you are probably not in this person’s class. Stop volunteering.

Mo: You never know.

I’ve been talking to a guy that I met on Tinder for five months (apparently we’ve met in person long before we matched on Tinder, I just don’t remember him). About a week ago I asked him if he’s into me (up until that point I was getting really tired of the mixed signals that were going back and forth), and he said that he was not looking for a relationship. As the conversation went on I found out that he didn’t have a clue the entire time that I was into him. What do I do now?

—Josh

Jo: I’m calling BS on this. Why did he match with you on Tinder? Why did he keep talking to you? Sounds fishy.

Mo: That is me on Tinder. I am always the person just looking to mess with people. Sorry dudes.

Jo: But also… have you ever messed with someone for five months? That’s excessive. And mean. Send me this guy’s number, I’ll fight him. Ditch him, Josh. Not worth.

Mo: Maybe he didn’t understand that you matching with him meant you were attracted to him?

Jo: Aunt Mo, do you understand the premise of Tinder?

Mo: Yeah, it is where you meet lumberjacks to go on adventures with.

Jo: No, that’s Timber!

Mo: …

Jo: Get it? Timber, Tinder? Hahahaha.

I found the perfect podcast. I listened to it for weeks non-stop, but now I’ve caught up. What do I do with my life now? Is it over?

Last-Place in the Pod-Race

Jo: Yes.

Mo: We are so sorry. Hope for another season and maybe reinvent yourself if it is gone forever.

Jo: As an obsessive podcast listener, my solution is generally to find another fifty podcasts to listen to and use that to fill the gaping hole the previous podcast has left.

Mo: Aunt Jo just taught me how to use the podcast app. I haven’t even started to think about when they end.

How do I work out and try to be healthy without annoying people by talking about it all the time?

—Talkative Tammy

Jo: It’s pretty easy. You just, like, go to the gym and eat healthy but don’t tell people you’re doing it.

Mo: Do you practice that?

Jo: …

Mo: Find a buddy to do it with you and talk to them nonstop. That’s what I do with Aunt Jo.

Jo: About everything, though, not just working out.

Mo: What we are saying is find a life partner.