A Comet Holiday Wishlist

 

For the majority of the academic year, Temoc rests trapped within a glass display prison in the Visitor Center, immobile and inanimate. Day by day, he stares at passing stressed students, desperately wishing he could do anything whatsoever to help. At the end of the fall semester, after finals have wrapped up, all of that wishing energy that Temoc has accumulated bursts forth, shattering Temoc’s glass casing and freeing him to save the hearts and minds of young Comets by fulfilling their wildest desires. This year, Temoc has decided to outsource his wish ideas to AMP. We’ve compiled a list of the top UTD student holiday wishes, and we would like you to vote on them so that Temoc can make your wish come true. To vote, just circle the item your heart most desires and then place it as tribute in front of the glass-encased Temoc (and then immediately pick it back up, because the school’s janitors do not deserve you litterbugs).

Expel a Student of Your Choice

Is someone keeping you from the top spot? Does Brad Chaddington continually sit next to you smelling like sweat, misogyny, and evaporating testosterone? Are you gonna throw yourself off a cliff/bridge if Susan asks another question good god she just said that are you even listening??? Well with this choice, Temoc will personally assassin—I mean, expel whoever is keeping you from the perfect college experience. But uhh, if everyone gets this wish, and you all pick someone different, there might not be much of a school left, so keep that in mind.

An Inter-Class DART Line

Students have been clamoring for a DART line into the city for years. While this is a pretty big task for Temoc to fulfill alone, he has offered the next best thing — a DART rail between schools! You can now rest your weary legs by taking the train from JSOM to Johnson, from Green to the other Green, from ECS North to ECS South,  or from one class to whatever other godforsaken class location the registrar has concocted to make sure you travel as far across campus and back as possible each day. With the constant sound of DART trains running back and forth across campus, noise may increase, but Temoc ensures the utility will be worth it.

Animal Crossing Pocket Campus

If the Pocket Camp craze hasn’t hit you yet, then you either hate your childhood, are immune to nostalgia, or learned your lesson from Pokémon Go. Regardless, with UTD keeping itself up to date with the latest virtual reality technologies, Temoc can make Pocket Camp into Pocket Camp-us! Why should you be content with just Hammock Grove when you can make it an entire tent site? Would the Admin building look better with a half-pipe in front of it? Should KK Slider’s guitar strumming be the only music allowed on the Plinth? With Pocket Campus, the choice will be in your hands, Comets! Plus, the new campus layout will afford you the unique opportunity to become closer friends with the various bunnies, ducks, birds, and squirrels (after you fulfill their demands for more science buildings, of course).

A Good Grade on Your Finals I Guess, Can You Guys Be Anymore Boring?

Yes, Temoc can hack the school mainframe and change your grades. C’mon, people. You have a talking celestial body with magic powers ripped from the depths of Hell and this is what you come up with?

The Parking-Construction-Humanities-Food-Social Life-Etc. Mega-Package

Temoc wants to cover his bases. He has heard a lot about these issues. Particularly from AMP’s pages. If the issue is so prevalent that it has become a meme at this point, then it is included in this wish.

Thicc Toilet Paper

Look, I understand this is a legitimate issue on campus for people that need thicker toilet paper for certain diseases. I just went to UTD’s Reddit page and looked at what people were talking about, and most of the top-voted posts were about thin toilet paper. And now I have to make a joke about it at the expense of people that desperately want this issue resolved because I need this column to stay relevant. So I’m sorry guys. Maybe this will give you publicity or something. I dunno.

An Answer to Why You Keep Putting Yourself Through This

Unless you’re a freshman, and probably even if you’re still a freshman, the goals, motivations, and dreams of why you chose a college education have probably shifted. You’ve told yourself for so long that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and a point to all your needless suffering, but an omnipresent force in your chest continues to gnaw at your optimism and sense of purpose. Was this the right choice for you? Has a college education been what you imagined it to be? Is this major and career path really what you want to be doing with the rest of your life? Aren’t we all just cogs in a system that we’ll never be able to change? Does free will exist? Won’t all of our hopes, accomplishments, and failures just disappear into the void of nothingness after death? Is this a cry for help from the author? Never fear, Comets, for Temoc will solve all of your crises as fast as he gleams across the night sky.

Another Bullet Point for this Piece

Comets. The holidays are the season of giving. I know you could use your one Temoc wish on yourself. But why not throw your favorite AMP writer a bone and wish for this instead? I’ve been writing for you guys for a long time, and I’m really running out of steam. This student body defines itself by its grievances, and these grievances really haven’t changed much. UTD needs more memes or branding so I can have new material. Trust me, if you ask Temoc to add another bullet point, it’ll be the funniest bullet paragraph for this piece — nay, the funniest paragraph that UTD has ever seen. Please help me, Comets. ‘Tis the season. Happy holidays!