Here at AMP, we pride ourselves in being Santa’s helpers, bringing him the updates and hot takes for his gift/coal distribution. I know all of you have been anxiously waiting the entire holiday season for the AMP editors’ naughty and nice picks. You better believe I’ve made the list and checked it twice because Santa Claus is coming to town.
Joss Whedon. You get the supreme coal treatment for picking up the direction for Justice League halfway through production and ruining it. I haven’t seen the film, but I’ve heard it’s bad and that’s good enough for me. I’m also unsure if it was specifically your fault, but I mean, I have seen Age of Ultron. It’s a safe bet.
Nazi-sympathizing journalists. Eat your heart out, journalists who felt the need to give actual, literal Nazis a platform. Santa is going to be p*ssed that you didn’t get last year’s memo: Nazis are bad.
Redesigned Temoc. He looks too much like Mr. Meeseeks, the chaos imp from the show everyone loves to hate and hates to love: Rick and Morty.
Rick and Morty Fans. Speaking of Rick and Morty, those of you who threw tantrums in the middle of a McDonald’s parking lot because you didn’t get your Szechuan sauce this year can expect no sauce and no presents.
Jeff Bezos. We recently caught wind that your net worth has rocketed to 100 billion dollars. AMP isn’t used to being controversial, but #BringBackTheGuillotine.
Reputation. The 2017 album gets a red hot spot on the naughty list this year because it dredged up renewed Taylor Swift press beef on my Twitter feed that I did not need. Think of all the time I wasted reading think-pieces on the same old Swift victim complex when I could have been doing literally anything else. So no, Taylor, look what you made me do.
Jack from Twitter. No gifts this year for the lord of the chaos realm that is Twitter. You thought giving 280 characters the green light was going to be a good move when there were billions of other things you could have done to improve the user experience — like, oh, I don’t know, banning Nazi accounts?
All AMP writers who ghosted us after promising a piece. You know who you are, and you’re not invited to the Christmas party.
Rogue Twitter employee who deleted Trump’s account on his last day of work. No quitting story will ever top that.
That one guy in Hollywood who did not sexually harass anyone. Though we cannot name you at this time, we want to give you the gift of not being fired or going to jail. Keep doing the bare minimum.
UTD PD for removing that conservative YouTube comedian from campus. Hopefully this treatment will soon extend to all aspiring online comedians.
Redesigned Temoc. Thank you for bringing us together by eliciting laughs and mutual enjoyment at the expense of your ridiculous mid-life crisis aesthetic.
The writers behind the It Happened To Me articles in xoJane. Though the website was discontinued in 2016, it was the home of priceless gems like “It Happened To Me: My Groom Asked For a Divorce On Our Wedding Night” and “It Happened To Me: My Feet Are Permanently Curled From Trying to Hide Them My Entire Life.” And we miss it so, so dearly from the bottom of our hearts. On the one-year anniversary of your farewell, we want to tip our hats to you, xoJane.
Memes. This year of our Lord 2017 has brought us classics like Young Pope, the Hollyweed sign, the sunken place, Kermit’s me-to-me, punching Nazis, and cracking open a cold one with the boys. It’s been quite the track record, and we can’t wait to see what the meme machine churns out next year.
The Incredibles trailer. Thirteen years ago, Pixar blessed us with the timeless family classic The Incredibles. Flash forward to the present, when we are once again blessed by the release of the The Incredibles 2 trailer. There’s really nothing quite as heartwarming during the holiday season as nostalgia.
The first-day-of-school eclipse. On August 21st, a solar eclipse coincided with the first day of the fall semester. Along with fumbling freshmen aimlessly searching for their classes, the campus was flooded with students trying to get a good look at the eclipse without accidentally blinding themselves. For promoting student body bonding via trying to avoid burning our eyeballs, the eclipse earned its place on our nice list.