Every year, the Grammy Awards are held to highlight the idiocy of the music industry and to inflate some egos just a little more. Because I?m sure most people didn?t bother watching this showcase of narcissism, I decided to take one for the team and watch the full production. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts from the evening:
7:00 ? The show opens with one of my favorite bands, the Gorillaz, giving a holographic performance of their song ?Feel Good Inc.? Because she can?t leave well enough alone (remember what she did to ?American Pie?), Madonna comes onto the stage and launches into her latest single. The one redeeming quality of the 47 year-old?s performance is that her skin-tight leotard reminds me to never become an aerobics instructor at a nursing home.
7:12 ? The first award of the night is given out to Kelly Clarkson, beating out a very leathery Sheryl Crow and demon-spawn Gwen Stefani for Best Female Pop Performance. If Gwen manages to win anything tonight, I?ll have lost what little faith I have left in the music industry.
7:16 ? Coldplay comes out to give a performance of ?Talk? that would only be considered good by drunken karaoke standards. Chris Martin was sporting a fantastic white-boy afro, so bonus points there, I suppose.
7:25 ? John Legend, the odds-on favorite for best new artist and someone I?ve never heard of before tonight, plays his acclaimed song, ?Ordinary People.? After watching his performance, I can see him going down the Norah Jones career path, making listenable and uninteresting music for years to come. This also pretty much insures that he is going to win several times tonight.
7:29 ? Sugarland, apparently a hot, new country group, performs one of their songs and finally answers my question: what would happen if a cowboy was also a metrosexual? The answer lies in well-groomed facial hair, blouses, and leather hats. Thanks, Sugarland, I?ll be able to get some sleep tonight.
7:40 ? In an interview as Time Magazine?s Man of the Year, Bono says that he doesn?t think of U2 as a rock band but as a folk band. To prove his point, U2 performs last year?s winner for Best Rock Song, ?Vertigo.? They have me convinced.
7:56 ? Ben Roethlisberger shows up to rub the Seahawk?s Super Bowl loss in my face one last time. Oh, and he also was there to introduce Kelly Clarkson?s performance.
8:02 ? U2 wins for Best Rock Album. Apparently the awards committee didn?t get the memo about U2?s folk heritage. It?s just as well; if any of the other nominees had won, I probably would have slapped someone.
8:09 ? Paul McCartney rocks the joint with an old Beatles song and one of his new ones, fulfilling his promise to ?rock a bit.? After seeing the Rolling Stones at the Super Bowl, even Sir Paul looks youthful.
8:16 ? Before announcing an award, the Black Eyed Peas reveal that they won a Grammy earlier in the day. I?m eagerly awaiting the coming apocalypse. I really am not sure I can live in a world where it?s possible to say ?The Grammy Award-winning Group, the Black Eyed Peas!?
8:19 ? My prediction is coming true, as John Legend snags the award for best male R&B performance. The person who seems most ecstatic about the award is Kanye West. He must not have wanted to see Jamie Foxx win either.
8:21 ? While a list of the winners runs at the bottom of the screen, I notice that U2 didn?t win for Best Traditional or Best Contemporary Folk album. There must have been some tough competition.
8:26 ? Mariah Carey sings a couple of selections from her catalogue of a hundred songs that all sound the same. The performance was a little bit preachy, featuring a choir and cameos from a minister, but the star of the show was clearly Mariah?s low cut dress. It?s a new form of ministry: Cleavage for Christ.
8:41 ? Faith Hill and Keith Urban come out on stage to give a performance, prompting me to go and grab a snack. I?m a man of principles.
8:48 ? Jay-Z and Linkin Park pick up the award for best Rap/Sung Collaboration. This really wouldn?t be noteworthy except that it means that Gwen Stefani is now 0 for 3 for the night. There is a God.
8:58 ? A whole mess of people come together to pay tribute to Sly and the Family Stone. I was dumbfounded by the assortment of people. Everyone from Joss Stone to Will I. Am. to Maroon 5 to Steven Tyler was out there. It?s like they took every performer who they couldn?t justify giving a solo performance and forced them to sing ?Everyday People.? Sly Stone came out at the very end to join this conglomerate while sporting the greatest mohawk ever known to man. His hair was by far the highlight of the evening.
9:10 ? CBS needs to realize that if commercial breaks require an intermission, they are too long. This is getting ridiculous.
9:14 ? Jay-Z and Linkin Park do their best to confuse me as they play ?Numb/Encore? in front of images of spaceships, John Lennon, and Richard Nixon. I?m still trying to figure that connection out. Luckily, once again Sir Paul McCartney comes out to save the day, segueing to the classic tune, ?Yesterday.? Although this was pretty bearable, I bet that everyone would have preferred Paul to do it on his own. Except maybe Gwen Stefani, but I don?t really respect her opinion.
9:25 ? Not satisfied with being a legend in his own right, Bruce Springsteen decides to do his best Bob Dylan impression, singing a protest song complete with unintelligible lyrics and harmonica.
9:31 ? U2 wins the award for Song of the Year, and Bono goes up onto the stage wearing a cowboy hat. He will convince people about this whole ?folk? thing, no matter the cost. It?s good to finally see the man campaigning for something.
9:38 ? Kanye West and Jamie Foxx perform the marching band remix of ?Golddigger.? I discover that I hadn?t known true beauty until I saw a man in a band uniform dry-humping the air. I?m not ashamed to say that I wept.
9:49 ? Green Day wins Record of the Year, apparently something different than Song of the Year, for ?Boulevard of Broken Dreams.? I know that this song came out in 2004, but that?s fine by me. Even if we have to cheat for Gwen Stefani to not win an award, I?m all for it.
10:05 ? Sure enough, John Legend wins Best New Artist, joining the ranks of such greats as Hootie and the Blowfish, Paula Cole, and Shelby Lynne. Being part of that elite company is what dreams are made of.
10:20 ? Our merry band of folk artists, U2, pulls through in the clutch to win the Album of the Year and complete the shutout of Gwen Stefani. Kanye West looks absolutely stunned, but it really shouldn?t come as such a surprise. No one likes a marching band nerd.
10:24 ? To finish the night off and to make sure that the ceremony runs the full three and a half hours, a nice tribute to New Orleans is performed. At least, I think that was the idea. I decide to change the channel to make sure I didn?t miss any of the Cobert Report. Again, I?m a man of principles.