A&H moved to Jonsson janitor closet
ENGINEERS INDIGNANT, SAY ?WE NEEDED MORE LAB SPACE?
RICHARDSON, TX - In an overwhelming majority, the Board of Regents voted to move the entire arts and humanities department of UTD into a janitorial closet on the third floor of the Jonsson building.
This move has sent the 15 students actually majoring in arts and humanities into shock, but the campus has otherwise greeted the change with apathy.
?Where exactly were they before?? asked Greg Williams, a senior on campus who has not taken anything but computer science and math courses since his first semester on campus.
?I vaguely remember something called the ?Art Barn?, but I never saw it from my
glorious perch in the enormously expensive ECS building. Is it off campus, like on Coit somewhere??
The ?Art Barn?, constructed by drunken Engineering students as a dare out of various pieces of metal stolen from the local Home Depot, will now be used as a storage building for outdated computer equipment.
Art exhibits will now be held in the Comet Café on Tuesdays and Wednesdays only, and the photography department has been outsourced to Wolf Camera to take pictures of various students and facilities in the physics department.
No one in the humanities department could be reached for comment, as they were all wedged in the closet and could not get back out.
TUITION INCREASED TO FIRSTBORN CHILD
?Males preferred,? said UTD
RICHARDSON, TX -After contemplating the need for additional funds, the UTD administration has submitted a proposal calling for students to pay an additional 5% in tuition and their firstborn child.
This plan will allow the university to greatly diversify its ideas for the future. With such a rapidly growing student body, taking each student?s first child would create a vibrant and skilled employment pool for UTD.
?By randomly assigning them as Alphas, Betas, Deltas, and Gammas, and dressing them in specific colors and uniforms while indoctrinating them at an early age, we will create a brave new vision for the future,? said a high university official.
Student outrage has run high, but compared to Texas A&M?s proposal of 12% and your immortal soul, UT Austin?s of 15% and an appendage to be named later, and Texas State?s offer of selling drugs and booze to children for the university, UTD feels they have a competitive chance in pulling in new students.
POLL REVEALS 1 IN 3.14 CS MAJORS ?DO IT FOR THE CHICKS?
Hatred of natural light ranked 2nd
A recent poll run by the Career Center on campus has revealed an interesting fact about the vast population of computer science majors here at UTD: while their job description may be described as ?coding?, many of them would prefer it to be known as ?pimping?.
?Hey man, I?ll put it to you this way - if ((Dan = = present) && (age_of_chick > 18)), then there will be magic happening,? said Dan Fogelberg, a third-year computer science major whose skill with C++ is only matched by his skill with ?computer babes?, which apparently are predominant in the field.
?Whenever you go to somewhere like IBM, it?s like you?re stuck in an infinite loop of righteous hotties.? Dan would not comment on whether or not the women responded positively to being called ?righteous hotties,? nor if he had actually talked to any of them for reasons other than tech support.
?Some women are turned on by ?bad boys?. Well, I?ll tell you this; the other day, I ran an entire program filled with vital data without even trying to debug it beforehand. I could have crashed my entire computer. I?d say that?s living on the edge,? said sophomore Greg Roberts, standing next to his ?hot ride? of a 1994 Nissan Altima.
Roberts is contemplating getting a tattoo of ?CODE OR DIE? in flaming Gothic letters on his arm, depending on whether or not he might be allergic to the tattoo ink.
However, numerous seniors are starting to see their dreams crumble. ?The last woman I encountered in one of my CS classes was a girl who accidentally wandered in looking for her yoga class,? Bill Myers lamented.
?I should have seen the foolishness of my ways when I came into school. It?s very evident now that all the women are in the electrical engineering department. I guess it?s just the way they?re wired.?
Myers then chuckled at his awful pun for about twenty seconds before descending into awkward silence, quickly turning to leave.